One of my unofficial hobbies, pointless though it may be, is having fake conversations with the spam MSN/AIM chat bots that occasionally flick up when I start my computer in the morning. I know they’re all automated, but a small part of me hangs on to the hope that somewhere there’s a confused, somewhat alarmed spam marketeer sitting watching my responses and wondering what’s happened to the planet he once loved.

For example:

11:57:15 alfonsokelley49:    hello??
11:58:12 Prezzer: alfonso!!!!!!! long time no see buddy? how’s it hanging? still afflicted with the herpes?
11:58:13 alfonsokelley49: vdsgu Yo prezzer
11:58:25 Prezzer: yo? what are you, twelve?
11:58:27 alfonsokelley49:  whats up…
11:58:53 Prezzer: the usual, the judge gave me 75 years all told, still, i did brutally murder those nuns so she had a point

Or:

14:17:39 conradgilmore11: bntllprezzer, ?
14:18:06 Prezzer: why if it isn’t my old friend conradgilmore11!
14:18:08 conradgilmore11: sorry bout   that
14:18:33 Prezzer: you always were a conciliatory old fool, weren’t you chap? hehe, how are you?
14:18:37 conradgilmore11: it       was a        typo    LoL@@!!!!
14:18:58 Prezzer: no it wasn’t, you spelt it correctly
14:19:01 conradgilmore11: I was       trying       to say    Hi :)
14:19:28 Prezzer: you’ve changed your tune olf fruit, how’s the herpes? getting better?
14:19:31 conradgilmore11: I’m    Alexis  BTW
14:19:42 Prezzer: no, you’re conradgilmore11, we’ve established that
14:19:44 conradgilmore11: check out       my profile  [URL REMOVED] mayb we can meet up j ;);)

And:

15:42:38 daltonroman69: u     there
15:42:53 Prezzer: me? no
15:42:54 daltonroman69:   Hi prezzer
15:43:21 Prezzer: That’s not my name
15:43:22 daltonroman69:  do u remember me?
15:43:47 Prezzer: of course, we met at that sexual health clinic, i was in the herpes line, you were with the AIDS crowd, how are you? All cleaned up now?
15:43:48 daltonroman69:  it’s me, Brooke
15:44:02 Prezzer: You said your name was Stallion, what gives?
15:44:03 daltonroman69: r u busy this week, i’m looking for a cute guy to have some… fun with ;) ;)
15:44:52 Prezzer: well, my genital warts have mostly passed the infection stage now, so sure
15:44:53 daltonroman69:  check out my profile 4 my contact info [URL REMOVED]
15:45:08 Prezzer: i can’t i don’t have an internet
15:45:09 daltonroman69: check out my pic  do u think i’m cute,
15:45:17 Prezzer: for a human, sure
15:45:18 daltonroman69: To remove your ID please follow the link [URL REMOVED]
15:45:43 Prezzer: but then our beloved government won’t be able to track my movements and i might well kill again
15:45:44 daltonroman69: check out my pic  do u think i’m cute,
15:45:51 Prezzer: you just asked me that
15:45:53 daltonroman69: To remove your ID please follow the link [URL REMOVED]
15:46:00 Prezzer: i think you’re stuck
15:46:02 daltonroman69: check out my pic  do u think i’m cute,

And:

00:37:22 rickyperkins58: U there?
09:34:45 Prezzer: me? no
09:34:47 rickyperkins58: Hey prezzer, how r u?
09:35:01 Prezzer: this is not prezzer, this is an automated response service
09:35:02 rickyperkins58:    u remember me?
09:35:17 Prezzer: i am currently out of the office
09:35:18 rickyperkins58: it’s, Christina!
09:35:38 Prezzer: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh=k
09:35:39 rickyperkins58:  hey u wanna go out sometime this week?       we can meet up somewhere close by ;)
09:35:48 Prezzer: z
09:35:50 rickyperkins58:  here is my pic  [URL REMOVED] do u think i’m cute?
09:39:01 Prezzer: i am an automated response service and therefore have no feelings, all humans are mere bags of flesh and bone to me
09:39:03 rickyperkins58: Hey prezzer, how r u?
09:39:49 Prezzer: WARNING! INFINITE LOOP DETECTED. AVOIDANCE PROTOCOL ALPHA 9/B INITIATED. LAUNCH CODES INPUTTED
09:39:50 rickyperkins58:    u remember me?

Also:

15:13:24 smithmarcos73:  Hello?
15:13:54 Prezzer: Damn, my nemesis! You’ve tracked me down at last curse you.
15:13:56 smithmarcos73: Is this prezzer?
15:14:44 Prezzer: You know perfectly well who I am, you fiend! I thought I was safe in this virtual paradise, but it seems the immortal worlds know no barriers from you!
15:14:45 smithmarcos73: Sorry to bug u Michelle gave me your info
15:15:22 Prezzer: You have Michelle??? Damn you, always one step ahead. I… I trust her fate was delivered quickly… painlessly…
15:15:23 smithmarcos73: I just moved here from outta town and looking to     meet some new people
15:16:21 Prezzer: I swear this! No matter how many you recruit to your nefarious schemes, I shall not rest until every breath in my body is exhausted from the efforts to halt your plans.
15:16:22 smithmarcos73: check out my new profile [URL REMOVED]       i’m sure u’ll love it
15:17:18 Prezzer: You might be able to fool the liberal world with your disguises, but I shall never be so easily bamboozled.
15:17:20 smithmarcos73: Lets all try to get     together so we can have some fun   ;);)
15:17:53 Prezzer: The usual place? Pier 9 at midnight. Bring your duelling pistols and let us finish this once and for all.
15:17:54 smithmarcos73: To remove your ID visit [URL REMOVED]

As I say, all a bit pointless, but it fills five minutes when I’m bored.